Feeling unwanted sucks.

One of the biggest problems I face in my life is feeling unwanted. I feel unwanted so often that it’s gotten to a point where I don’t actually bother talking to anybody any more because I just assume that they hate me and don’t want to talk to me. It has ruined so many friendships for me, and will probably ruin my current relationship at some point – it is already something which causes arguments.

There is no real reason for why I feel so unwanted, and it is very rarely somebody else’s fault either. I don’t know why I feel this way, but I do. I suppose you could say that it is a consequence of my mental health problems, and that may be right, or it could be because of my need to impress everybody. But whatever the reason, it is something which ruins so many good things in my life. Just imagine feeling like everybody hates you, every single day of your life. It never stops; it’s such an overwhelming feeling.

I recently attended the Doctor Who Festival, which I had been looking forward to for MONTHS. But this excitement was also met with anxiety, because here I would not only be meeting some of the cast of Doctor Who, I would also be meeting people I have spent years talking to on Twitter. But these last few years I’ve found myself drifting away from the fandom because of my mental illness preventing me from interacting with anybody. So as the festival drew nearer I found myself dreading it even more; I was already feeling unwanted. The weeks leading up to the festival were filled with tears, smiles and panic attacks. And once I got there, yes I did enjoy it so much and I am so happy that I met the amazing people that I did, but I still felt unwanted the entire day. This, mixed with the anxiety of food, meant that I had to leave, what was one of the best days of my life, early. And me feeling this way was not the fault of anybody else, and there probably wasn’t anything that could have been done to help me feel better at the time, it was just my head ruining things for me.

But this doesn’t just occur when I meet new people, I got this feeling all the way through school, at college now, and even with the people I attend group therapy with. I guess I just have such low opinions of myself that I assume everybody hates me. 

Although this is predominantly a problem of my own creation, and one which only I can fix, it is something which is made better by just the help of somebody else. Telling someone that they’re wanted won’t cure them, but it helps to show them that maybe the intrusive thoughts aren’t correct.